The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.

Posted September 16, 2022 | Reviewed by Tyler Woods

Tragically, the prevalence of suicidal thinking and attempts among young people has increased significantly over the last decade. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), approximately 20 percent of high school-aged kids report “serious thoughts about suicide,” while 9 percent report having had at least one actual suicide attempt. These are alarming statistics that tell us a lot about the heightened challenges facing young people.

Parenting a child experiencing suicidal thoughts can feel overwhelming, but there are absolutely constructive things that parents can do to help. In addition to making themselves available for necessary support, attention, and open communication, parents can engage practical strategies to reduce the risk of suicide or self-harm.

Please note: The advice shared in this post is intended to support parents in creating a secure environment for a child in distress. It is not a substitute for treatment. Securing the environment, as discussed below, is a constructive task for parents when a teen is simultaneously beginning treatment for their suicidality or self-harm.

It can also be helpful to bring in outside support, like a neighbor or friend, when possible. Some parents find that confiding in a trusted neighbor can create some good backup support during a difficult period. If they understand the challenges you’re having, maybe they can even be instructed to swing by if they hear shouting or if you call them in the midst of a crisis. Most often, the presence of someone outside the family will be “embarrassing” to your child and calm things down immediately.

Calling 911 is usually a last resort, but if you find yourself in a position where you need the police to intervene, it’s best to specify that you’re having a mental health crisis when you call the authorities. Calling 911 might be necessary if your child runs out of the house or if they’re getting very physical and can’t be restrained or calmed.

When your child threatens self-harm or suicide, immediately jump into “safety officer” mode and confirm that the environment is adequately secured. It’s okay if your child sees you doing this; they will know you’re taking them seriously and that these threats simply mean that supervision and monitoring need to increase.

While you’re monitoring your child, continue on with the normal responsibilities and activities of the day, and make sure that they are attending to their responsibilities, too.

Try not to let their threats or comments negatively influence you. You can do this by avoiding arguments or lengthy discussions about suicidal communication. You want to establish a safe and calm environment.

If possible, avoid allowing your child to miss school or neglect their responsibilities during times of increased suicidal communications. If they do refuse, we suggest that you not excuse their absences or bail them out; it’s important that we allow the natural consequences of their ineffective behaviors to take place, as it’s usually the best way to reduce the likelihood of your child acting similarly in the future.

Although it’s tempting, avoid providing special or fun activities to distract your child or cheer them up after they make comments about hurting themselves. We want to be sure not to pair suicidal communication with getting special attention.

After the risk has passed and your child is calm, only then communicate that you do not want them to have to be suicidal or engage in self-harm to communicate their emotional distress. Make a gentle request that they tell you directly what they are feeling. Roleplay and offer suggestions about how they could have communicated to you more effectively, and encourage a “re-do.” While they are expressing themselves effectively, you can positively reinforce them by listening attentively and non-judgmentally, reflecting back what they shared, and providing loads of love and validation.

Therapy can help your child feel better and increase their ability to commit to keeping themselves safe. In the meantime, parents have the capacity to be central in maintaining safety for their child/teen. Effective parenting strategies can help children avoid the revolving door of hospitalization and benefit instead from solid, home-based treatment for their suicidality.

If someone is experiencing a psychiatric emergency, please take them to the nearest emergency room, call 911, and/or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741.

For additional resources, please visit SAVE: Suicide Awareness Voices of Education.

To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

Melissa Gerson, LCSW, is founder and Clinical Director of Columbus Park Center for Eating Disorders, an outpatient facility providing treatment to individuals of all ages and genders. 

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The question is not whether you’ll change; you will. Research clearly shows that everyone’s personality traits shift over the years, often for the better. But who we end up becoming and how much we like that person are more in our control than we tend to think they are.